


Stepping Back and Forth

by sheendav



Series: Scenes from the South Downs [8]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Anxious Aziraphale (Good Omens), Aziraphale Loves Crowley (Good Omens), Bathing/Washing, Caring Crowley (Good Omens), Comfort, Consent, Crowley Loves Aziraphale (Good Omens), Crowley is Patient (Good Omens), Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, South Downs Cottage (Good Omens), nose kisses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:06:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25940323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sheendav/pseuds/sheendav
Summary: Sometimes the Angel thinks his bout of touch-sensitivity and anxiety is over, but it really isn't.  Fortunately, his best friend is there to love him through all of it...
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Series: Scenes from the South Downs [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1848463
Comments: 8
Kudos: 85





	Stepping Back and Forth

**Author's Note:**

> tw/ anxiety attacks and discussion of anxiety (they will be fine) 
> 
> A collection of one-offs from Crowley and Aziraphale's life in the South Downs, written in the same universe as 'Introduction to Touch' by the same author. It is not 100% necessary to read that story beforehand, but all of these little tales make more sense if you know the history of touch created for them in that original core story. The most important thing to know is that Aziraphale is deeply insecure about sex, touch and his body. By the time they get to the South Downs, the Angel's confidence is slowly building and these one-offs will show the growth of that confidence.

Aziraphale is curled in a ball in bed facing away from Crowley… not because he wants to, but because he is taking a moment to breathe and calm his trembling corporation. 

Crowley is curled in an equal ball facing him, being sure to keep at least two feet of distance, but also staying at the ready for when the Angel is relaxed enough to talk through what just happened. 

When their romantic journey began, Aziraphale had a panic attack when Crowley touched his hands. It was not that they had never touched before, but it was the first time they had touched with any kind of amorous intention… and intention is everything. The Angel had recoiled, terrified to begin a romantic/sexual relationship with Crowley yet so deeply wanting for it to happen as well. 

The Demon had promised that they would go slow, and in his mind, he thought 'slow' meant that many weeks would go by before they could hold hands… perhaps they'd work up to a kiss by their first anniversary. But really, they haven't gone nearly as slowly as Crowley thought… nine months into their new relationship and they have just started having penetrative sex, a development Crowley thought may never happen between them at all, let alone so soon. 

It has all been so wonderful, very carefully approached, and they have reveled in every new experience… allowing everything to happen in its own time. Crowley has always felt satisfied despite Aziraphale's fears of 'frustrating' him. The Demon is always quick to remind his love that if all they had ever done was hold hands, he would have been happy, as long as he had the Angel's love, time, friendship and companionship. 

On nights like tonight, Crowley is reminded that there will always be some unexpected setbacks on this journey. There will be nights where the touch-sensitivity is simply too much. There will be days where they'll be grateful for their own flats in London and their own wings of their massive 'cottage' in the South Downs. There will be days where a kind of contact that has been comfortable for months will suddenly cause the Angel to tremble. There will be nights where the Angel thinks he's feeling better, when he really isn't. There will be times that Crowley is reminded that just because you say 'yes' once, it doesn't mean 'yes always.' 

Earlier in the day, Aziraphale had assured Crowley that he was feeling better after a few days of feeling 'not quite right' and wanting to avoid any sexual touch. The Angel had suggested a bath, which had been very amenable to Crowley. There had been some footsie, and holding hands and gentle kisses as they sat immersed in the warm water filled with sweet-smelling scents, and then Aziraphale had suggested not bothering to dress after the bath and continue the kissing in bed. The kissing had started, along with gentle touches, and then trembling had begun, and Aziraphale had pulled away apologizing… turning his body away and trying to breathe through the panicked moment… and so, here they are. 

Crowley can't say he's completely 'ok' when this happens… there will always be a part of him that panics along with his Angel, fretting that this will be it; the moment Aziraphale decides he's been wasting his time on Crowley and they need to go their separate ways. But the Demon loves his fiancé too much to make this about him and his own insecurities… he reminds himself that faith will always be a struggle, but he believes in Aziraphale; he believes in their love. 

The Demon has two things going for him when it comes to comforting the Angel through these moments when touch is off the table… his imagination and his memory. He likes to use both to ease his love gently back from the brink… reminding Aziraphale that nothing can truly change the way Crowley feels about him; the love he has felt for 6,000 years. 

"How do I love thee… Angel… let me count the ways…" 

Aziraphale's breathing hitches for just a moment… the Angel is crying a little… he always feels a touch embarrassed over his anxiety, which unfortunately does nothing to help quell said anxiety… but Crowley continues… trying to do with his words what he cannot do with his hands.

"One, I loved you in Eden: your adorable feet standing on that stone wall, wishing the first two humans well in their journey. Two, I loved you in Rome: your welcoming nature and wonderful dinner invitation, the first time we ever toasted anything. Three, I loved you at the Globe: that neck collar made me weak in the knees and the joy on your face watching the actors rehearse was even better. Four, I loved you in St. James, even as you denied me the holy water: I knew deep within myself that you loved me even then, that the idea I might destroy myself would, in fact, destroy you. Five, I loved you the night we made our plan to watch over Warlock, and those years we spent having our little check-ins in those ridiculous disguises: I even loved those ridiculous teeth you had…" 

The Angel's breathing is much more even now, and the Demon even hears a small breath of laughter at the comment about Brother Francis's teeth. His Angel's shoulders are relaxing, and Crowley knows that whatever Aziraphale is feeling is starting to pass… thank Someone. 

"Six, I loved you before I'd ever kissed you: those early weeks in the bookshop after armageddon… learning the joy of holding your hand, putting my arm around your shoulders while we watched a film, you brushing crumbs from my shirt after trying scones from your favorite bakery, the first time we hugged and I felt what it was like to have your arms around my middle. Seven, right now… I love you right now in this moment even more than I did in any of those other moments. I will love you more tomorrow. If you decide you never want to touch me again my love for you will still grow tenfold, Angel. I know you're beating yourself up right now, but it's ok when these things happen. They don't feel unfair. They don't feel unwarranted. I accept your anxiety as a part of you… just as you accept so many things as a part of me… It's ok, Aziraphale… whatever this is… it's alright."

Aziraphale is no longer trembling, and he slowly turns around in the bed so that he is facing Crowley. His eyes look sad, but also filled with a kind of adoration and love that the Demon isn't sure he'll ever deserve… and the Angel brings his hand out from under the covers and holds out his pinky. 

Crowley smiles, and reaches out his own pinky to hook around his fiancé's… it may not seem like much, but it's a little gesture that means the world. 

A couple of tears spill out of sea-blue eyes as the Angel says, "I love you." 

"I love you too, Angel." 

"I think… um… I tried to push myself a little too much after the bath…" 

"That's alright… those things happen…" 

"Oh Crowley… It's not…"

"I know it isn't me…"

They've been through this script before… and it isn't that Crowley doesn't want Aziraphale to express himself, but that he doesn't want the Angel to beat himself up for not being able to explain a moment that doesn't need an explanation. The Angel has anxiety… it is allowed to be that simple. 

"Perhaps tomorrow…" 

"You don't need to promise me anything, Angel. I'll be ready whenever you are ready. Just being in this bed with you is wonderful. The bath was wonderful. I feel your love, coming off of you in waves… I'm not supposed to be able to… but I feel it, all the time and especially now." 

The Angel unhooks his pinky from Crowley's and takes his full hand in his, smiling sweetly as his eyes grow just a little less watery. 

"What do you think Angel, some telly? Book? I could give you some space if you…" 

"Can we put on our pajamas and go watch one of those silly game shows you like?"

"One of the trivia ones where we know all the answers because we were there? You got it Angel." 

"I'll make tea and bring a plate of the biscuits you like…" 

"I'll have the fluffiest blankets ready…" 

"And, Crowley…" 

"Yes, Angel…"

"If… um… if I'm feeling better… may I ask you to put your arm around me…?" 

"Of course Angel… and if you need me to take it back and scoot away a little I will do that too." 

"I don't know what I did to deserve you, dear…" 

"Feeling will always be mutual, love…" 

"I'd like a kiss on the nose please…"

"Done."

"I'd like to kiss your nose please…" 

"Always." 

"I'll go fix the snacks…" 

"See you in my study Angel…" 

"You're my everything Crowley…" 

"You're mine, Angel… from the beginning until the end." 

Aziraphale gets up with a smile, snapping their pajamas and dressing gowns onto their bodies while he exits their bedroom and Crowley takes a deep settling breath. Again, he will never be 'ok' when these moments happen, but he will always have faith that the Angel will find his way back to him and the comfort of their love.


End file.
